PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, ' One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.' Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.' They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Two guys were discussing their aging wives. One was quite sure his wife was going deaf. The other guy gave him a suggestion to test her hearing. "Here's what you do.

Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response".

So, that evening, she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens".

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So, he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So, he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"No response. So, he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

"FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!!"

The funniest jokes

The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon show sketch by Spike Milligan,[2] was submitted by Gurpal Gosall of Manchester:


“ A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" ”

The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:

“ Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
”

While this was the top joke in the UK:

“ A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
”

In Australia the top joke was as follows:

“ A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

From David Pogue via Twitter

TONIGHT'S MEDITATION: A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Three Stooges-Curlys Sweater

Bush To Publish Memoir As Pop-Up Book,
Chapter 6, "The Butterflies & Lollipops Years"

NEW YORK (CAP) - It's a rite of passage for past presidents to pen their memoirs shortly after leaving office, to put a spin on their accomplishments and try to give subtext to their years at the helm. In announcing this week that he has signed on to write his own version of events as he saw them unfold over the past few years, George W. Bush is no different. What is different is the format.

"Former President Bush had to deal with many things that just sort of leapt out at him during his two terms in office, and he thought what better way to illustrate this than by making his memoirs a pop-up book," said Bush part-time spokesman Peter Eliot.

"Like no other presidential memoir before, history will literally jump out at you," noted Eliot.

"Imagine the twin towers, leaping up as you flip the page, only to come crashing down again as you go on to the next. Or Saddam Hussein, poking his head in and out of his hidey hole as you turn the pages through his own evil chapter. I think the American people will be enlightened, amused and shock-n-awed by this particular memoir," Eliot predicted.

The book will cover many key decisions made during the president's two terms, from sending troops to Iraq to vowing never to ride a Segway again. One pop-up scene in particular has already drawn a considerable amount of protest from several online liberal communities.

"It's Guantanamo, at dawn, a sweeping, brilliant diorama, with the terrorist dudes praying and stuff," said an intern at the Crown Publishing Group, which will be handling the memoir. "Only, when you go to turn the page, all these praying prisoners in their orange jumpsuits slide into the sun, creating a sort of Dante-esque terrorist cook-off. It's awesome man, the very image of hell."

While the actual writing on the project will probably be handled by a team of ghost writers, CAP News has learned that the former president himself plans on overseeing the complex paper constructions necessary to make the pop-ups come to life.

"He's been taking origami classes, absolutely cramming on the subject in a way that he's never done before," said one source close to the inner Bush circle. "He keeps telling people, Look, I make the folds, I'm The Folder, and people believe him.

"He sees this as his single best shot for putting a few sharp creases into his legacy, and he's taking it," added the source.

The tentatively-titled History Unfolds will hit bookstores sometime in 2010.